Just Me.

Hi. I'm Britney. Im fourteen and I live in a small town in Texas.
I am a girl. I cry over boys. I repeat one line over and over in my min that always gets me every time. I've had a major crush on someone since 5th grade. Every time I see him in the hallway my heart skips a beat, but then I see his girlfriend smiling and laughing at him and the moment's ruined. I have the worst luck with guys.
I've dated potheads, and the kind of guys who only want in your pants. I've dated guys who ended up being gay.
I hate that no one I like ever seems to like me back.
I hate that certain people think of some devil worshiper.
I have immense self-loathing issues because people treat me like crap every single day.
And it's always the little things thy really seem to pack a punch.
Like all those times Dylan F. forgot my name and called me Bethany.
Like when I finally got to dance with my crush in seventh grade, but his friends forced him to.

I sing really loudly when no one is around to hear. When I'm all alone in my big empty house, I turn up the radio and sing my heart out.
Whenever I cry I always hope my mom comes in and tries to talk to me. Or someone calls to say they were thinking of me.

I wish I fit in at school. I wish I could sit next to all the popular kids and be best friends with them and all the cute guys liked me.
There's moments when I can look in the mirror and feel like I look pretty, but they're very rare.
It's kind of a normal thing because I don't usually have some great guy tellin me I look pretty no matter I I have make up on or not.

I have this problem that I assume someone likes me, but apparently they don't. All though I could've have effing sworn he was flirting with me, but whatever.
I like to think that I'm funny, but sometimes I say stuff and I regret saying it later on because it sounds stupid.
I hate it when people leave me out of stuff. Like once I was on this volleyball team, but my coach never let me play. She thought I wasn't good enough to be on the court because I didn't make all the serves over the net.
But they were freaking hard!

I like the smell of rain and taste of spearmint tooth paste. I like being out in the lawn just after it's mowed, on a warm breezy day.
I like to go outside, lie down in the grass and look up at the stars and the moon.
I make a lot of wishes, though I don't depend on them.
A lot don't come true.

I don't ever make a wish when I blow out the candles on my birthday cake. I feel like it's a bit cliche for me to, and I think it's not as effective as I once was led to believe. I think back to the years when I was younger and would wish for things like unicorns and to be a princess.
Nowadays when I wish for things it's usually about finding something good in my life.
Finding the one thing that could make me smile through the tears.

I feel like I deserve to talk to someone who cant judge me about a lot of my problems in life.
My opinions and beliefs. My fears and dreams.

I'm afraid of everything. Cars, heights, spiders, etc. The list goes on and on.
But it all has one similarity. The outcome is sometimes death.

I don't really have a dream. I don't know what I want to do in life.
I guess my dream is to be happy with who I am for once, and to fall in love.

But I'm not even close.